u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
