you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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