I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
