You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
