Porn is love you can see.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
