Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
