We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Randomize
