dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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