I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
