literally had 100 drinks last night.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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