We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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