I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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