i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
