U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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