Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
