i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
