She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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