I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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