Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
