I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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