My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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