my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
