I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
