the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
