I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
