He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
there is glitter all over my balls
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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