How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
