yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
if only i could text you this smell
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
