hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
