she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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