I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
