You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
