She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i wish my penis had a tongue
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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