My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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