the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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