I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
