i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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