I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
