just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
