my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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