Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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