Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
