Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
