I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
