love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
