hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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