Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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