R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
