I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
