I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
