i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
