The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
