literally had 100 drinks last night.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
